we've traveled through time

             Memories are thoughts that transport us back in time, triggered by a smell, sound, place, image, taste, no matter how infinitesimally small.  Biting into a raspberry, its sweet and tart juices exploding over my taste buds, I am suddenly picking the red berries along side my grandparents, parents, and sister.  A basket tied around my waste, I move between rows of bushes, gently picking the ripe fruit.  Next, in the same rows, I have a can of water in one hand while I pick pesky Japanese beetles off green leaves before they devour the whole bush.  I walk into the kitchen with my sister, and take the beetles from the watery cans and toss them into the sink, counting each as it falls into the disposal, each worth a penny or two.  I swallow the delicate fruit and lick its juice from my lips.

            We consider time as linear—the past is on the left, the future is on the right, while we live in the middle, between the two.  But in our minds, time is anything but linear.  One moment, we’re focused on the present, the next we think of something is the past, and then we’re wondering what we will have for dinner, what we will do next weekend, what life will be like in five years.  In those few moments, we’ve traveled through time.  But really, the only time we have to act and live is the present moment.  Each breath we take happens now.  Living in the past—wishing things had been different or wishing things were still that good—only brings despair.  Obsessing about the future—worrying about what will happen—only leads to stress and anxiety.

            For a very long time, I had a hard time letting go of my past.  I thought about the choices I had made, why I had chosen certain paths, and how I could have avoided the wrench that was thrown into my plans.  When Isaac pushed storm surge and dumped heavy rains over the Gulf Coast on the anniversary of Katrina, I become emotional, threatening to throw myself back into the despair I felt in 2005.  I reminded myself that it wasn’t the same.  It was a different storm, a different time.  Things have changed.  Maybe politics are just as screwed up, or more so, and the same can be said about the environment—but I’m different.  I’m the same, but different.  I have finally accepted my past.

            I have thought of the different scenarios that could have played out since my freshman year of college and what kind of person I would have become as a result.  I compare those other dimension personas with my present self, and I realize that I don’t want to be any of those people.  Due to the path that unfolded before me, because of the events that took place and the choices that I made, I endeavored on an exploration of my physical, emotional, and spiritual selves.   I have slowly put the pieces together and made myself whole once again, maybe even more whole that I ever had been.  I have new knowledge and wisdom that I will add to every day of my existence.  Although life is scary and uncertain, I am excited to be alive.

            When it comes to the trajectories of our lives, it is easy to become caught up in the “what if” scenarios.  However, if we believe that every choice we make, no matter if the outcome is labeled as good or bad, is the correct one, then it becomes easier to let things unwind.  When making a decision, we use all of our experience and wisdom to decide which path to take.  Blaming ourselves for a choice that we made, wishing we had chosen differently, is unproductive, and even destructive.  These choices have made us the people we are today.  And now, if we want things to change, we can’t think, “What if?”  We need to think about the choices that are here now, in the present, and choose accordingly.  But we can’t get too wrapped up in moving forward that we forget to enjoy the present.